z

Young Writers Society



Little brother

by un-insane peyton (hopeful


LITTLE BROTHER


What if his precious touch no longer warmed my heart?

What if his determination and stubbornness didn’t fill me with pride?

What if he didn’t relax in my arms while falling asleep?

What if he didn’t want to call me sister?

What if I didn’t want to call him my brother?

Would I not be the same?

Would he?

Would I be filled with shame?

My house would not be filled with laughter.

My eyes would not shine as bright.

My smiles not so wide.

He wouldn’t jump so high,

or sleep so well.

Like a perfect Greek statue he lays.

Blond curls displayed

around his little tan face.

Faintest rising of chest.

Chin raised high

Small smile on his perfect little lips.

So amazing.

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152 Reviews

Points: 890
Reviews: 152

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Tue Mar 10, 2009 2:02 am
Musicaloo7311 wrote a review...



Hello, darling! I'm Music, and I'll be reviewing this piece [obviously].

Anyway, I see you're new here! Welcome to YWS! I suggest you head to the Welcome forum and post something so you can meet some friendly people to offer you help!

Also, now that you've posted a piece of your work, you have to review two other pieces. This is known as the 2:1 ratio. We like to make sure everyone gets a review. So review those pieces, girl!

Now onto the poem:

I thought it was pretty good. I didn't even care about considering the rhyme scheme, because I just had a fight with my little brother and these words described what I was feeling. Pretty good job; I really liked the concept. Great last line, by the way.

One nit pick:

He wouldn’t jump so high[s].[/s], <<< this needs to be a comma.


Overall, good poem. Remember, head to that Welcome forum! There, you'll find the low-down on the rules and ways of YWS. PM me with any questions; I'd love to get to know you!

Love,
Music. :)





Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
— Albert Einstein